Rich idiots

It may be a good thing that I haven't churned out a successful comedy career yet. I want to be successful. I want to carve out a good life for my children with the sweat of my brow and the strength of my back. I want to do what is necessary to insure that my kids have a better life than the ones my parents gave me, which was no doubt better than the one they had. My parents worked their ass off to make me and my brother happy, and I want the same for my children. The only problem with that is what I’ve learned over the last couple of weeks; rich kids are stupid!!

Now over the last couple of years we’ve seen the occasional rich quasi-whore pop up, like Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian. Clearly being rich and hot means you can slut it up and say stupid shit and people will still buy your perfume. Lately the amount of privilege stupidity has skyrocketed, though. Just take a look at Jaden Smith's retarded tweets. And I mean "retard" in the way that would piss Sarah Palin off. Will Smith went from the bottom to the top. He busted his ass with DJ Jazzy Jeff and turned himself into a multi-millionaire producer, rapper, and actor. He's put in a lot of hard work, so the occasional” WTF?”comment from him would be understandable. I mean, all that hard work and stress to make something of yourself could play on the brain from time to time. You could have a slip every now and again. Tom Cruise is still making movies after his crazy outbreaks. Jaden on the other hand, has no excuse. He's had itgood from the get-go. Sure his parents took him out of an incredibly expensive private school to home school him, it still doesn't give him an excuse to lose it on twitter. If babies could talk they would be the most intelligent beings? What does that mean? Gandhi was smart and he didn't shit his pants. And he could have, he was still wearing a diaper.

Or what about Paul Attanasio's entitled bratty kid. The video of him claiming to be behind the wheel of a $1 Million dollarCamaro is hilarious. He chastises someone for being poorer than him, and brags about only being 15 while driving, when clearly he's never worked a day in his life. His father's money gives him a right to be an asshole?

Life’s supposed to be easier when you’re rich. If you're poor, and you don't know something, or spout off stupid shit, you at least have a small excuse. You didn't have a great education laid out in front of you. You can overcome your parent's socio-economic status and make get a good education, but it's going to take some work. Rich kids have no excuse though. I know that in order to be incredibly successful you have to make sacrifices.One of those is working long hours and not being there for your family. But at what point should you step back and place more attention on them. Just because your parents are busy making millions doesn't mean you should act like an asshole. Evidentlyall us poor people are using that time not working to raise our kids properly. Here's an idea, how about you move from a $1.5 Million dollar home to a $1.2 Million dollar home, and use that extra time teaching your son not to be a prick.

Miss Ameri-what?

We are breeding an entirely new group of racist idiots in this country.  Last night we had the lovely Miss America patent, the dream of every little white girl in America. The funny thing was, a little white girl didn't win it. An Indian-American girl named Nina Davuluri won it. Now, she was born in Syracuse, but she might as well have been born in Afghanistan. Racist comments about Miss America being a terrorist were all over Twitter last night, even though India has nothing to do with our war on terror. People claimed it was outrageous that an Arab won, though India is not in the Middle East. There lies the problem. 

Look white people, if you're going to be racist, at least be smart about it. She's Indian, not an Arab. You could have gone with sand nigger, camel jockey, Abu, Kumar, any of those. Arab and terrorist are not even close, even by idiot redneck standards.  And just because she's dark doesn't mean she's a terrorist. I know Mexicans that are darker than her, but I bet you're not scared of them blowing up your shrubs or planting a bomb in your baby carriage while they walk your kids. Not all brown people are terrorist.  

It's insulting to brown people when you don't know where their country is and what stereotypes they are affiliated with. White people get pissed if we don't know what side of the Mason-Dixon Line their state is on, but you can't figure out an entire country? 

If you haven't figured out by now, with the election of a Black President, that your white washer reign is over, you need to get a clue. We're definitely a melting pot now. Ms. Davuluri is the epitome of Ms. America.  The fact that she would participate in a competition that objectifies women and reinforces the self-esteem crushing stereotypes American teenagers kill themselves for everyday, only to help bolster our consumer driven economy should prove that she's more American than 90% of the people pissed that she won. There will be more American born Indian girls buying trendy clothes and starving themselves while listening to Lady Gaga more than ever now, which is job security since half you racist f#%ks work the checkout line at Wal-Mart anyways.  

The only thing worse than a racist is a dumb racist. I'm okay with you calling me a wetback if you can at least take a geography class, and maybe learn about evolution. Baby steps, people! Baby steps. P

An open letter all fans of stand-up. ( or my thoughts on Dave Chappelle)

Dear fans of comedy (and all people that buy tickets to come and watch the show), allow me to star off by saying thank you. We comedians appreciate your business so much. It is because of you that we love what we do. That magical moment where we deliver a punch line and you release some laugher is our cocaine, and we love it. (Some actually love cocaine too.)

That being said, when you buy tickets to watch a show and your all-time favorite comedian is coming one stage, how about shutting the fuck up!  Not all the time. Feel free to laugh, or if he asks a question, pipe up and give an answer. Feel free to participate, and be helpful.  What he doesn't need, is you telling him what to do, or yelling out your favorite bit. 

Here why. For every minute of comedy that you watch, he's spent hours working on that bit. He's been on stage hundreds of times trying to find out what will make you laugh. He has a better idea than you as to what is funny.  You taking over the show, screaming out what you want to hear is a nice way of saying his last 6 months of work don't mean dick. 

That's why Dave Chappelle got pissed. It's not that he couldn't handle it, or that he's not funny anymore. He's plenty of funny. You just didn't shut up long enough to hear. He's not a DJ. He's not taking request. If you want to see Rick James impressions, go watch reruns of the Chappelle show. Why would you pay $30 for a ticket to hear shit you've already heard before? Let him get out the new stuff. New comedy is like new pussy (or whatever the heterosexual female equivalent is). It’s exciting. It's uncharted territory.  It might surprise you. Who's going to know better, the professional who's been working on it for six months, or some dick who gets high and watches a lot of Comedy Central?  When its 3rd and 9 on the Patriots 30 does Bill Belichick take his headphones off, look at the crowd and go "What do you guys think I should do?" No! He's Bill! He's knows. Shut up and enjoy the show. If Bill Cosby got on stage and everyone yelled out "Do Cliff Huxtable” for 20 minutes, he would probably tell you to fuck off also.  We're trying to give you a unique experience and you're acting like an ex-girlfriend bringing up old shit. That why Dave walked off.

If it was one or 2 people heckling, then he probably could have handled it. But when 20 people are screaming and being assholes, what is he to do? He may have a microphone, but it’s still 1 person against 20, and being an asshole somehow helps to amplify the voice. It's hard to overcome those numbers.

He didn't need your help when he wrote "Killing Them Softly", he didn't need your help on the Chappelle show, and he doesn't need it now. Sit back and enjoy the new pussy. 

And if you're still yelling "I'm Rick James, Bitch", then castrate yourself. We don't need that seed spreading.

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

 By that, I mean the crazy little globe that use to spin around on the MTV commercials. I was born in 1979, was a child of the 80’s, and a teenager of the 90’s.  I’m part the last generation and genuinely remember the good ol’ days.  I remember Hanna-Barbera cartoons. I remember roller rinks. I remember plastic prizes spray painted and assembled in China inside my cereal waiting to be discovered. I remember MTV playing music.

MTV has moved on since then, replacing music videos with reality TV and immature comedy shows about teenagers with huge junk. It’s basically one long running sexual joke with commercials. But when is it going to grow up?  If Sunday night’s VMA’s weren’t proof that the entire MTV network has jump the shark, then nothing is. (I was surprised that Will Smith was shocked, though, considering he did that awkward scene is Six Degree’s with the dude running around naked.) So when do we finally get tired of the show? When do we stop buying the shock rock cookie cutter crap?  There’s absolutely nothing original about that entire program, yet Miley’s twerking was all over the news yesterday. She’s clearly overcompensating for the fact that she’s a mediocre singer at best. There’s a reason why Adele can sit in the middle of stage by herself with a single spotlight and put on just as good of a performance.  She can actually sing. Cyrus and Minaj need the lights and the smoke and sex to distract from the fact that they can’t sing. Which is why MTV needs it to, to distract from the fact that it’s completely past it’s prime.  MTV is an old soccer mom trying to whore it up and appear younger that it really is.  It’s out of touch and useless at this point.

 By the way, we’re probably going to be at war with Syria in about a week, but Miley’s ass is still top priority on the news.  What does that say about America?

 

Frisk Me

There was an important ruling over the “stop-and-frisk” law in New York last week.  If you are unfamiliar with it, it is a law that allows cops to stop, question, and frisk anyone that seems suspicious.  I’ll pause while all the people with high melanin counts stop and say “What the fu..”  A judge ruled that this law is unconstitutional, and basically allows for unlawful search and seizure, while people like conservative mouth piece Ann Coulter, and NY police commissioner Ray Kelly, actually think that it’s not racist, and is a good thing.

Ann Coulter, who I’m ironically attracted to, wrote an article after the hearing defending the law.  You can find a copy of it here.

http://triblive.com/opinion/featuredcommentary/4537912-74/black-giuliani-york#axzz2cQpG8kyq

She stated that liberals were not allowed to call the law “racist” considering how many young back lives it saved. Her logic is that every “hoodlum” found in a black neighborhood thru this act, was one less person that could hurt an innocent black person in that area.  True.  One less gun on the street is one less potential violent crime. Here’s where her logic is screwed (which is usually the case for a conservative spin doctor).

Numerous test done on the stops, including one by the NYCLU (I know Ann, damn liberals) consistently keep showing that a majority of the people stopped were Black and Hispanic.  From 2002 to 2012, on average, only 10.5 percent of the people stopped were white.  Of course the only people helped are Black and Hispanic; they were the only ones being stopped.  By Ann’s logic, if the NYPD only stopped and questioned white people for a solid year, then they could come back and report that only white people carry guns in NYC, and thousands of whites are saved a year by this program. When you’re only targeting minorities with this law, you can’t come back and brag about all the potential minority crimes that were stopped.  It’s like paying a hooker for sex, and then bragging to everyone that you got laid. This law was inherently flawed to begin with. It's a good thing it's being removed.

 

 You're more than welcome to racially profile and frisk me though, Ann. 

Eye for an eye

It seems like this year is going to be a bad once for the Crazies. We’ve had people shooting up elementary schools; we had Arial Castro kidnap and rape those girls for 10 years in Ohio. A man in California shot a mother and son, and burned the house down before kidnapping the daughter last week. In Desoto (south of Dallas) a man killed 4 people and wounded 4 more, including 2 young boys, and threw a live grenade in someone’s living room. (Where the f%^K did he get a live grenade?) It seems as though shit’s going south in a hurry. So here’s my question: What ever happen to an eye for an eye?

Now, let me clarify. I understand that in a civilized society, we cannot have people roaming the street dishing out vigilante justice like a John Woo film. We need law and order. When the bad guy has had his day in court though, and is found guilty (especially something obvious like the Castro trial), why can’t we go Old Testament on them? I know we’re supposed to forgive, and be next to Jesus, but that’s feels like something that is harder and harder to do these days, especially in cases that involve children. In the few cases where we know the individual is guilty and did horrible things, like the Aurora, Colorado shooting, why can’t we get creative with the punishment? Why not a game of hot potato with a live grenade? We can set up a dunking booth with acid and give softballs to all the victim’s families to throw at the bull’s-eye

Sure this is all hyperbole. I don’t expect any of this to take place. It just seems as though we are beginning to show sympathy to the people that don’t deserve it, when there are people out there with cancer, or hungry, that could definitely benefit from the money we spend housing some of these sub humans. At what point does our need to be humane actually start to hurt us? The money that the state will use to house Ariel Castro could easily go to some ones medical bills. If we know that these people can’t function in society, why allow them to function behind walls? I know it's not what Jesus wanted, but I think Moses would have been cool with it.


Can we at least dunk Beiber in some acid? Maybe that'll cheer me up.

Role Models.

I'm glad I don't have a daughter!! God knew that I wasn't going to be able to handle a girl. Today's pop culture is just driving young girls be sluts. Look at the role models they have. Kim Kardashian became famous off a sex tape? Nikki Minaj acts like a huge slut and attempts to rap about it. Farrah Abraham became famous by getting pregnant at a young age, and then agreeing to a sex tape. This is all it takes to be famous? The idea that being a slut, or doing porn, can lead to a better career later on as a legitimate actress. This is not what we should be teaching kids.

Even little girls clothes nowadays are a pedophiles dream. Why do we put glitter and words across the ass? Let’s make the shiniest part of her body the one part you suppose to stay away from. If it works on fish, why would it not work on grown men? We're not that much smarter.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a prude. In fact I’m a little on the perverted side. I enjoy a nice slutty girl, but an AGE APPROPRIATE slutty girl. What I don't like, are underage sluts. I'm not an pedophile. I don't want little girls dressed up like women I would see at a bar. Society is trying to force the slut out at much too early an age. I believe that the inner slut should be allowed to mature naturally over time. To blossom, and then present itself when the time is right, like a fine wine.

Although my boys aren't going to have it any better. Who's going to be their role model? Justin Beiber? Have you heard the bullshit in his songs? I want to party like 3012. What does that mean? Are we still a democracy at that point, or have we hit fucking Thunderdome yet? We're going to party like the entire city is run on pig shit and Tina Turner lives up in a metal tree house? You're lyrics are stupid!! This is the kid that peed in a mop bucket and sprayed a picture of Bill Clinton with bug spray and thought that was rebellious. Want to be a rebel, try dodging the Draft, or protesting something and getting arrested for it. Some shit your grandparents did. Peeing in a bucket doesn't make you a rebel, just unhygienic.

And who could possible hate Bill Clinton. He was one of the coolest presidents we had.

It's a good thing my son likes Guns and Roses. Even if Axel is about to have his fat Elvis dead-on-a-toilet-seat moment at any time now, that's still better than Beiber.